Ill at Meal: Formal Table Etiquette and General Cultural Differences among Countries

‘Good manners will open doors that the best education cannot.’, said Clarence Thomas (quotationspage.com). If one knows all the artists, it does not mean he can draw; it requires special skills. Hence, ‘good manners’ are a must in society, and it does not have any reference to education, because one may be an educated person, but not be quite educated to be polite.

Once every good education would include the knowledge of how to act as a Lady or as a Gentleman in a formal setting, but today the rise of business relationships has overtaken the cause of good manners. Table manners have always played an important part in making a favorable impression, and in today's world, it has become very important to be able to project your knowledge and experience, if not your status and education, through the visible signals of the state of your manners when dining in a formal or business situation. Perhaps it’s a rather daunting thing to look down at a collection of silverware and be seeing some of the pieces for the first time in their lives. However, there is an easy way-out.

Apart from etiquette and protocol there exist social graces, which are responsible for ‘good manners’ and etiquette among different cultures. In today’s miscellaneous world it is rather important to know the etiquette and customs of a certain country: for example the difference between China and the USA or Armenia and France. Social graces involve introducing, gift-giving, dining etiquette, and mentality of the culture. This knowledge will reduce the guesswork and provide extra confidence while communicating with the other culture, and if on a business trip, will exclude repercussions.

Proper etiquette and cultural awareness are not artificial. It is a practical set of rules. When learned, these rules save time that would be wasted in deciding what is proper. Etiquette and cultural awareness help people to proceed with the more important phases of social and cultural interaction. The intent of this guide is to provide you with the basics of proper protocol and etiquette and basic knowledge in cross-cultural relationships. Using this information as a foundation, you will feel at ease in such matters as invitations and responses, official dinners, seating and precedence, forms of address, and arranging visits for important visitors and communicating with different cultures. With practice, protocol and etiquette will not be difficult but will be instead a natural, courteous way to properly greet and entertain civilian and military visitors and colleagues.

In today’s society, there is constant pressure to make the right first impression. No-one likes to be thought of as rude, ill-mannered, or ignorant, and with a little effort, we don’t have to be. Ask yourself how good are your social skills and social graces? What social situations cause you the most concern?

CHAPTER 1: Formal Table Etiquette and Protocol

1.1. Drawing Line between Etiquette and Protocol

‘What is mine? What are all these plates, glasses, and utensils for?’ You usually ask these random questions, when you are at a table where the place settings are pre-set very close. You want to know which utensils, glasses, and plates are yours and how to use them, whether attending a four-course business function or a formal business dinner or banquet with pre-set place settings. Learning how to read the place setting will take out the guesswork, so you can dine with confidence and concentrate on business; however, you may ask: ‘Indeed! Do I really need it? I'm not a businessman!’ Actually place settings can be confusing, but improper use of dishes, glasses, and utensils can potentially damage a business relationship.

The protocol is the combination of good manners and common sense, which allows effective communications between heads of state and their representatives. It is not static. Rather, it is an evolving science that, over the years, has lost much of its traditional pomp and picturesque ceremony. Hence, the protocol is ‘the system of rules and acceptable behaviour used at official ceremonies and occasions’, while etiquette encompasses the body of manners and forms prescribed by custom, usage, or authority (Cambridge dictionary). To put it short, etiquette is ‘the set of rules or customs which control accepted behaviour in particular social groups or social situations’ (Cambridge dictionary).

1.2. Informal and Formal Place Setting

‘Liquids on the right, solids on the left.’ (professionalimagedress.com) An English expert John Hathaway-Bates offers another clue to determine what belongs to you is the BMW: it is a clue to locate your bread (left), main course (center), and water (right). Experts distinguish between Informal Place Setting (Appendix p. 1) and Formal one (Appendix p. 2; 3). Yet choosing the correct silverware from the variety in front of you is really not as difficult as it may at first appear.

1.2.1. Using Utensil Properly

‘Bad table manners are the biggest giveaway that a person lacks manners. If you are in Europe and you don't know how to hold a fork, that is the first thing they notice. You can fake a huge amount, but you can't fake holding a fork.’, says Adeodata Czink, the president of Business of Manners (afkra.blogspot.com). Knowing how to manipulate your knife and fork with assurance is an important part of table etiquette. There are two styles of eating: American and Continental. Both styles of dining are correct.

Americans and Canadians are probably the only people in the world who use the American style, sometimes known as ‘the zigzag method.’ It's done by holding the knife in the right hand (unless you're a leftie, in which case the opposite is done) and the fork in the left hand. After the knife is used to cut the food while the food is held by the fork, the knife is placed near the top of the plate, blade facing in (Appendix p. 4). The fork is then switched to the right hand and used to pick up the piece of food, tines up. When you pause during eating but have not finished, the utensils are placed in the ‘resting position’ with the knife placed on the right side of the plate in the 4 o'clock position, blade in, and the fork placed on the left side in the 8 o'clock position, tines up (Appendix p. 5). This alerts your waiter that you're not finished. When you've finished eating, the knife and fork are placed side by side on the right side of the plate in the 4 o'clock position, with the fork on the inside, tines up, and the knife on the outside, blade in (Appendix p. 5). This ‘I am finished’ position non-verbally alerts the wait staff to clear your plate. Even though it's obvious you are finished eating, a well-trained waiter may ask, ‘Are you finished?’ Smile and say yes, thank you (bizforum.org).

In the early nineteenth century, Europeans ate just as we do now, but around 1850, the upper class stopped shifting their forks back and forth, and the Continental (or European) style of eating became fashionable. The Continental style is thought to be a more graceful way of eating, but it does take practice. The fork stays in the left hand, with the tines pointed down, and the knife is held by the right hand. The food is then speared by the fork and conveyed to the mouth (Appendix p. 6). ‘Resting position’ and ‘I am finished’ position is quite different from the American style (Appendix p. 7).

1.2.2. Holding Wine Goblet

‘Drink wine, and you will sleep well. Sleep, and you will not sin. Avoid sin, and you will be saved. Ergo, drink wine, and be saved.’ It’s a medieval German saying (wrathofgrapes.com) Wine is always poured just before the course it complements is served and the glass will be removed at the end of each course.

The proper way to lift a glass that contains red wine is to support it on your palm enclosed by your fingers, the stem of the glass between your middle and ring finger as you lift it (Appendix p. 8). This improves your ability to balance the glass and prevents you from spilling the wine. If you then gently swirl red wine in the glass before bringing it to your mouth you will release the aroma of the wine and increase your enjoyment of it. The reasons are practical ones: white wine is served more chilled than red: holding the glass by the stem helps it to remain chilled. Red wine is served warmer than white: the heat of your hand around the goblet will not diminish the wine's bouquet. The proper way to lift a glass that contains white wine is to place your fingers behind the bowl with your thumb pressed on the face, with your little finger held away from the glass to balance it (Appendix p. 9). The technique used to lift a glass of white wine works equally well when drinking from a champagne flute (basic-wine-knowledge.com).

1.2.3. General Errors

You have Spilled Your Food? It’s not a fatal flaw. If food spills off your plate, use your silverware to pick it up and place it on the right-hand side of your plate. Never spit anything into your napkin. Remove gristle or fat, or other unwanted food from your mouth using the same utensil you used to put it in your mouth if you can. If that is not possible, cover your mouth with your left hand and remove it with your right hand. Place the piece of food on the edge of your plate and, if possible, cover it with some other food, so that other guests do not have to look at it while they are eating.

‘Nothing is more pleasant than to see a pretty woman, her napkin well placed under her arms, one of her hands on the table, while the other carries to her mouth, the choice piece so elegantly carved.’, said Jean Anthelme Brillat-Savarin. (brainyquote.com) The meal actually begins when the host or hostess unfolds his or her napkin. When the host has opened his or her napkin this is the guest's signal to do the same. Lifting a table napkin occasionally is made difficult: you should take the napkin off the table with your right hand only, taking the ‘opening point’ between your forefinger and thumb (Appendix p. 10).

1.3. To What Extent are Students Inquired about Table Etiquette

The leading role of Table Etiquette is using utensils properly: for example, using a fork and knife. It is mentioned in 1.3.1 that there are two styles of using fork and knife: European and Continental style. Results of the survey, held on 12/12/11, showed that 100% of 27 students from Yerevan State Linguistic University use European style, while 11% use Continental (Appendix p. 1). Consequently, YSLU students prefer European style: however, there was a student, that has mentioned two variants.

The other vital rule of using utensils is how to hold wine goblet (1.3.3.). 18% of students surveyed have chosen the right answer, while 7 % answered wrong (Appendix p. 2). Accordingly, the way of holding wine goblet is quite familiar to the students: however, there were two students that have not answered these questions.

You have spilled your food? It’s not a disaster (1.3.5.). 11 % of the students surveyed prefer to call the waiter, while 15% preferred to use a napkin (Appendix p. 3) Consequently, as the percentage relation of the results are closer to each other, we can conclude, that two ways are acceptable in Armenia, besides there were two students that have mentioned two variants.

Once every good education would include the knowledge of how to act as a Lady or as a Gentleman in a formal setting, but today the rise of political correctness has overtaken the cause of good manners. Table manners have always played an important part in making a favorable impression, and in today's world, it has become very important to be able to project your knowledge and experience, if not your status and education, through the visible signals of the state of your manners when dining in a formal or business situation. Perhaps it’s a rather daunting thing to look down at a collection of silverware and be seeing some of the pieces for the first time in their lives. However, there is an easy way-out. Surveyed revealed, that 100% of the students gave positive answers to the question: ‘Is it important to know the etiquette, nowadays?’ There was no negative answer: however, some students (3%) could not distinguish etiquette from ethics (Appendix p. 4). One student answered: ‘Knowing etiquette is important in all times, in spite of society level and way of life’. And another student commented, ‘It is not only important but also essential. One should know all the rules of etiquette, in order to look like a rough person and a laughing-stock.’ Hence, Armenian students behave rather seriously towards etiquette, and as a student has mentioned, ‘isn’t it so, that we all should be self-educated so as to be a developing civilized country.’

CHAPTER 2: Etiquette and Customs among Countries

In today's inter-reliant, international, and culturally diverse world, the lack of cross-cultural awareness results in confusion and misinterpretations. Social graces are important for today's globe person to avoid such negative repercussions. Social graces are skills used to interact politely in social situations. They include manners, etiquette (the specific accepted rules within a culture for the application of universal manners), deportment, and fashion. These skills were once taught to young women at a finishing school or charm school. The focus of social graces has changed over the last century, recently with an emphasis on business etiquette and international protocol. Cross-cultural differences across the world are rather important, as they reflect the nature of the countries, but there are also noticed similarities among countries: for example among the USA, the UK, Germany and Chine or Italy, France, Spain, and Armenia.

2. 1. The USA, UK, Germany, and China

a. Meeting Etiquette

In the UK, USA, Germany, and China a handshake, a smile, and a hello are all that is needed. Light hugs are common between good friends and family. In Germany, it is a tradition to shake hands with everyone individually, including children, when entering a room. Titles are important and it is best to address people directly by using Mr, Mrs or Miss or Herr or Frau in German, followed by the surname. One should always wait to be invited to use first names before doing so themselves. When Americans say ‘Hi, how are you?’, they are only expecting a ‘Fine,’ or a ‘Fine, thank you’ or a ‘Good’ in response (kwintessential.co.uk). It is not usually an invitation to a lengthy conversation. Both the Americans and the British value their personal space and tend to be comfortable with 2-3 feet of personal space during conversations. For most Americans, there is little to no touching during conversations.

b. Dining Etiquette

The evening meal in America is served, generally, within an hour either way of 7 P.M., elsewhere it is generally later and generally lighter: the English have tea in the afternoon, usually around 4 P.M. This meal consists of tea, small sandwiches, and pastries. High tea is not a more elaborate version of tea. It is, in fact, an informal replacement for supper, which is eaten later in the evening. In addition, brunch is considered a curious American invention in places where it is known at all. If you are invited to a German or Chinese house arrive on time as punctuality indicates proper planning. Although the British do not value punctuality: you may arrive 10-15 minutes later than invited to dinner. However, if going to a restaurant be on time.

The Chinese prefer to entertain in public places rather than in their homes, especially when entertaining foreigners. If you are invited to their house, consider it a great honour. (While entering a Chinese house remove your shoes before entering the house.). Unlike the Chinese, the British, as well as the Americans, enjoy entertaining people in their homes, but when invited to a pub, it is common practice to pay for a round of drinks for everyone in your group. If invited to a meal at a restaurant, the person extending the invitation usually pays: do not argue about the check; simply reciprocate at a later time.

In Britain table manners are Continental, i.e. the fork is held in the left hand and the knife in the right while the American sort of eating varies slightly. If you are more comfortable eating in the Continental manner, it is acceptable. When in China, eat well to demonstrate that you are enjoying the food. Do not be offended if a Chinese person makes slurping or belching sounds; it merely indicates that they are enjoying their food. There are no strict rules about finishing all the food in your bowl. According to American mentality, it is common to leave a small amount of food on your plate when you have finished eating. In contrast to the Americas, not finishing everything on your plate is treated as impolite in Germany, the UK. In Germany, the most common toast with wine is 'Zum Wohl!' ('good health'); the most common toast with beer is 'Prost!' ('good health') (kwintessential.co.uk).

c. Gift Giving Etiquette

The British, Armenians, Chinese, and German exchange gifts between family members and close friends for birthdays, anniversaries, and major holidays. The gift need not be expensive, but it should usually demonstrate an attempt to find something that relates to the recipient’s interests. If invited to an English household, it is appropriate to bring flowers (avoid white lilies as they are reserved for funerals), good wine, liquor, or chocolates. If you are invited to a German house, yellow roses or tea roses are always well received, in contrast to neither red roses as they symbolize romantic intentions nor carnations, lilies, and chrysanthemums as they symbolize mourning and death. If you bring wine, it should be imported, French or Italian: giving German wines is viewed as meaning you do not think the host will serve a good quality wine. Unlike the latter mentioned, the Chinese like food and a nice food basket will make a great gift: do not give either scissors, knives or other cutting utensils as they indicate the severing of the relationship or clocks, handkerchiefs, straw sandals or flowers as they are associated with funerals and death. Wrapping gifts in white, blue or black paper bodes ill as well. Four is an unlucky number, while eight is the luckiest number, so giving eight of something brings luck to the recipient. Always present gifts with two hands. In China, gifts may be refused three times before they are accepted. Gifts are not opened when received.

d. Relationships and Communication

The British have an interesting mix of communication styles encompassing both understatement and direct communication. Many older businesspeople or those from the 'upper class' rely heavily upon formal use of the established protocol. Expect a lot of ‘please’ and ‘thank you’ and ‘sorry’. Most British are masters of understatement and do not use effusive language. If anything, they have a marked tendency to use ‘qualifiers’ such as 'perhaps', ‘possibly’ or 'it could be'. When communicating with people they see them as equal to themselves in rank or class. The British are direct but modest. While Americans are direct. To them, if you don’t ‘tell it how it is’ you simply waste time, and time is money. The English, the Americans, the German as well as the Chinese, tend to keep about 2-3 feet between them while speaking. Touching is usually kept to a minimum, while family members are more. In comparison to the British ‘sense of humour’, which is rather subtle, the Chinese have a terrific sense of humour. They can laugh at themselves most readily if they have a comfortable relationship with the other person. Be ready to laugh at yourself given the proper circumstances. Germans are suspicious of hyperbole in contrast to the French, promises that sound too good to be true, or displays of emotion.

All unions have societies/clubs for students to get involved with that range from football clubs to chocolate societies. Drinking is a part of the culture and there is usually a pub on almost every street corner. Excessive public intoxication is not acceptable and the police are strict about that, and just recently in the past few months, the British government has banned smoking in pubs and restaurants. While in America drinking alcohol plays a large part in socializing and many students drink to excess. In German, drinking is acceptable, especially beer. If you must smoke, it is polite first to ask if it will bother those around you. It is forbidden to smoke in public places: however, smoking is still allowed during Oktoberfest each fall (kwintessential.co.uk).

2. 2. Italy, France, Spain, and Armenia

a. Meeting Etiquette

The way you present yourself is of critical importance when dealing with Spaniards, French, Italians, and Armenians. Titles are important and it is best to address people directly by using ‘Monsieur’ (for Mr in French), ‘Madame’ (for Mrs) and ‘Mademoiselle’ (for Miss); in Italy ‘Signore’ (for Mr), ‘Signora’ (for Mrs) and ‘Signorina’ (for Miss); in Spain ‘Señor’ (for Mr), ‘Señora’ (for Mrs) and ‘Señorita’ (for Miss); in Armenia ‘paron’ (for Mr), ‘tikin’ (for Mrs) and ‘oriort’ (for Miss) followed by the surname (kwintessential.co.uk).

In France and in Italy, when introduced expect to shake hands. Many men use a two-handed shake where the left hand is placed on the right forearm of the other person (Appendix p. 11). At a first meeting, women generally shake hands: however, in Armenia, even if it is a first time meeting someone, most traditional Armenian women will kiss you on the cheek. The number of kisses also varies depending on the region of France and Italy – for example in Nantes, France you greet with four kisses, alternating cheeks. In the south, it is two kisses. Foreigners often have a hard time determining which side to kiss first. In this case, follow the French, Italian or Spanish person’s lead. In Italy and France, as well as in Spain, among women, light kisses on the cheeks, known as ‘bises’ are the most common form of greeting for friends and family. Often, it is just a light touching of cheeks or a hearty hug – ‘abrazo’ in Spanish, rather than actual kisses (kwintessential.co.uk).

b. Gift Giving Etiquette

In France, flowers should be given in odd numbers but not 13, which is considered unlucky. Some older French retain old-style prohibitions against receiving certain flowers: white lilies or chrysanthemums as they are used at funerals; red carnations as they symbolize bad will; any white flowers as they are used at weddings. If you give wine, make sure it is of the highest quality you can afford. The French appreciate their wines. If invited over for dinner or a drink to an Italian home, you should always bring a gift. Either a bottle of high-quality wine/liquor or a nicely wrapped chocolates/sweets are a good idea. Avoid gifts like a letter opener, knives, and or scissors as they can mean a severing of relations. If invited to a Spaniard's home, you should bring chocolates, pastries, or cakes; wine, liqueur, or brandy; or flowers to the hostess. If you know your hosts have children, they may be included in the evening, so a small gift for them is always appreciated.

c. Dining Etiquette

If you are invited to a French house for dinner arrive on time. Under no circumstances should you arrive more than 10 minutes later than invited without telephoning to explain you have been detained. If invited to a large dinner party, especially in Paris, send flowers on the morning of the occasion so that they may be displayed that evening. Dress well. The French are fashion-conscious and their version of casual is not as relaxed as in many western countries. They are known for their sense of classy style. Table manners are Continental. Do not begin eating until the hostess says 'bon appetit'. Finish everything on your plate. Do not cut salad with a knife and fork. Fold the lettuce on to your fork. Peel and slice the fruit before eating it. In Spain supper commonly begins at 10 P.M. However, if one is attending an Armenian event, ‘just five more minutes’, may end up being hours.

d. Relationships and Communication

The French like the Italians are usually direct but in a diplomatic way. They will tell you the truth, but often in a polite manner. The French may seem reserved upon first meeting. However, during subsequent meetings, touching during a conversation is acceptable and considered a sign of affection. In Armenia in the more populated regions of Yerevan, Vanadzor, and Gyumri, the ‘westernized’ style of communication and physical touching is more prevalent. It should not be surprising if someone ‘pets’ you during a conversation. It usually is a sign that one is adored. Using the word ‘jan’ in Armenia is a good way of getting closer to people: for example, Anna jan, Anush jan. Armenians are friendly and they would appreciate getting the same attitude from a foreigner.

Wiping the brow with one hand (‘that’s enough’ or ‘I can’t take it anymore’) or loosely grabbing your throat with one hand (‘unbelievable’ or ‘yeah right’) are typical for French people (kwintessential.co.uk) (Appendix p. 12; 13). There is a myriad of French gestures used on a daily basis. Making a fist, touching your nose like you are squeezing a clown nose, and slightly turning it from side to side means ‘drunk’ or ‘tipsy.’ The ‘Bof’ or ‘Gallic Shrug’ is done by raising your shoulders, holding up your hands' palms out, and raising your eyebrows. It usually means ‘I don't know’ or ‘It's not my fault’ (kwintessential.co.uk) (Appendix p. 14). The Armenians are not as much prone to gestures as the French and the Italians are: for example in Italy extending the pinky and index finger while bending the middle and ring finger can mean one’s wife is cheating on them (kwintessential.co.uk) (Appendix p. 15).

Wine, among other alcohol, is a staple in the French lifestyle and it is completely normal to start drinking at a fairly young age. The official drinking age is 18, although it is not uncommon to start much younger. In Spain, drinking and smoking are common for students, although getting excessively drunk is usually looked down upon and considered rude and immature. In comparison with the countries mentioned, in Armenia drinking and smoking is not as common for students as it is among older people. Hence, social graces are crucial while communicating with different cultures.

Conclusion

Social and business etiquette skills are essential life skills in today's highly competitive social and business environment. We need to project ourselves positively and confidently to gain maximum advantage from our personal image. This is reflected in our deportment, manners, attitude, and body language.

Dining etiquette skills are not simply preparation for dress-up and attending exclusive parties, but a way of life. With a growing emphasis on character education, this class provides people with the confidence-building skills that are so important in social and dining situations. Students learn the importance of dining protocol and develop the ability to enjoy dining in both casual and formal situations with ease.

It is vital for individuals to be socially polished and behave internationally to distinguish themselves for successful personal branding to stay ahead of the competition to succeed in their personal and career life. You should not be a businessman or businesswoman to know business etiquette. You may know it for your work and own career to a polite and respected collogue (You can be an office-worker, teacher, or even a student.).

It is never too early or too late to begin learning social graces. Confident, well-mannered people know the importance of consideration and respect and demonstrate the concepts of fitting social behavior with their peers and adults. Good manners and social skills do not happen automatically; they must be taught and practiced just as one would practice baseball or playing the piano.

Whether it is business or socially, we all find ourselves in situations where we're meeting and greeting new people. The way you look, the way you speak, the way you carry yourself, your ability to be interested and interesting can spell the difference between being well received and not. The true charm isn't about how much money you've got. Some people just seem to have a natural gift to be at ease and get on with everyone no matter what their rank or station. Being at ease with yourself and being able to let others shine is the Art of Social Grace.

It's not just important in your social life. In the super-competitive world of work, the value of excellent social skills is more highly regarded than ever, particularly as you're elevated up the career ladder. But what’s incredible is how many people let them down. Hence, whether you're an executive on the up-and-up, a parent taking charge of the skills your children are learning or someone who simply wants to stand out from the crowd, these skills are for you, and one day you will reach your target not only for your specific talent but also for your politeness and ‘education’.