Analyzing “Negotiating the Nonnegotiable” by Daniel Shapiro
In the framework of Armenian Science and Technology Center project by TSD
Jack (the owner of the restaurant) is searching for Carl (the chef) to talk about the menu issue because they are having a special day[1]:
J: Is Carl in there?
A: Yeah.
J: Hey, Carl! Carl. Are you, uh … are you planning on altering the menu?
C: Yeah, I can’t do this right now. Please, just …
J: You know a lot is on the line today.
C: I know. That’s why the menu has to be perfect.
J: But I can help you plan it.
C: I can’t do this right now. Give five minutes with my staff, I’ll walk you through the menu.
J: Carl, I’ve done this before. I can help guide you.
C: I don’t need guidance right now, I need space. OK? Thank you.
J: Could we have a little privacy, guys?
What do we see here? The relationships are tested the most when putting under pressure. And there is no pressure like quite working with someone on a project whether in an organization, a class or at work: in case there is a perceived risk of receiving a promotion, a possibility of presenting a brand new idea, “competing” in teamwork or simply having a special day, which we have faced in the video scene – it’s all brimstone for conflict. Instead of avoiding conflict, there are ways to approach or confront the conflict, which will minimize the awkwardness before the snowball effect, and if it has begun to de-escalate the situation[2]. For that, if we don’t agree to something, we need just to show an honest disagreement without any sort of useless emotion - “Honest disagreement is often a good sign of progress[3].”
As we negotiate, how do we deal with our emotions? We negotiate all the time. We negotiate in the morning with our family members, we negotiate with our friends, we negotiate at work with our colleagues - the world is negotiating all the time. And, one of the key challenges is how we deal with our emotional dimension – not only with ours but also with the emotions of other people. Not an easy question, Yes?
To answer that question, we should ask ourselves a simple one: “How often do we catch into conflicts and how do we approach them?” Everyone in his life has experienced an emotionally charged conflict at least once? Because we are human beings. Emotionally charged conflict can damage relationships, productivity, and well-being. But is there a way to deal with this kind of situation and resolve it? Daniel Shapiro[4], Ph.D., author of the book “Negotiating the Nonnegotiable: How to Resolve Your Most Emotionally Charged Conflicts”, states that he has a clue. In his book, he introduces a new paradigm for resolving conflicts - providing the necessary tools to overcome the dynamics and foster cooperative relations, turning the most emotionally charged conflicts into an opportunity for mutual benefits[5].
Shapiro and his colleague Roger Fisher have to build a simple model which they call the core concerns - framework offering five basic needs (Figure 1). Here we recognize the fundamental mindset that traps us in conflict and counteracts the five emotional forces luring us toward that mindset. If we become aware of those forces, we can counteract. And, if we deal with these five core concerns well, we stimulate positive emotions, encourage people to cooperate with us[6].
1. Appreciation – In negotiation, in any human interaction, do we feel appreciated?
2. Autonomy – Do we feel at ease in expressing our autonomy, our freedom to make decisions? Or do we feel the other side is imposing a decision on us and just as true, are we respecting that other person’s autonomy? Are we consulting them for making a decision? Or just telling them what to do?
3. Affiliation – Affiliation is the emotional connection between us and other people in a negotiation. Is it an adversarial connection between the two and more, and if it is, how do we convert that relationship a side-by-side one? Do we work side-by-side on shared problems even contentious problems?
4. Status – How do we define our status?
5. Role – Do we have a meaningful role, an effective role in the negotiation?
The moment we feel threatened in a conflict, a whole set of emotional forces turn our conflict into an adversarial battle: It becomes us vs. them. Suddenly the problem feels non-negotiable because we can’t imagine working things out with the other side[7].
Conflict is everywhere. We cannot live our lives, communicate powerfully, share our diverse opinions, support our divergent agendas, or honor our own deepest values without some degree or form of conflict emerging. The question is: How can we address our conflict with others in ways that are mutually beneficial, supportive, and positive. It depends on how we concentrate on the problem, control our emotions, and realize what we put at stake with our attitude, with our manners, and with our thinking. It will sound strange, but conflict management is an artwork: how an artist deals with an unexpected brash crash and says: “HOW INTERESTING HAS HAPPENED!”
Sources
[1] “Conflict at Workplace.” The Chef (2014), https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wosneKbbUoo
This video is used for study purposes.
[2] “Managing Conflict in the Workplace.” https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aSq5IMpQReM
“Conflict Management animated movie.” https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GnB3MpUfv_k
This video is used for study purposes.
[3] Mahatma Ghandi
[4] Daniel Shapiro, Ph.D., is the founder and director of the Harvard International Negotiation Program, associate professor in psychology at Harvard Medical School/McLean Hospital, and affiliate faculty at the Program on Negotiation at Harvard Law School. He consults regularly for government leaders and Fortune 500 companies, and has advised everyone from hostage negotiators to families in crisis, disputing CEOs to clashing heads of state. He has launched successful conflict resolution initiatives in the Middle East, Europe, and East Asia, and for three years chaired the World Economic Forum’s Global Agenda Council on Conflict Resolution. Through nonprofit funding, he developed a conflict management program that now reaches one million youth across more than twenty countries.
[5] Daniel Shapiro, “Negotiating the Nonnegotiable”. VIKING, New York, 2016, pp. 10-13.
[6] Ibid. p. 106.
[7] “Negotiating The Nonnegotiable: How To Understand Conflict And Resolve Yours Successfully.” https://www.forbes.com/sites/kathycaprino/2016/04/24/negotiating-the-nonnegotiable-how-to-understand-conflict-and-resolve-yours-successfully/#6ba34d8fcf0a